


His Hands So Cold They Shake

by charliescastiel



Category: Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: Cuddling, M/M, brief implied suicidal thoughts, do i need to tag vomiting and nose bleeds?, hux is self-reflexive, kylo is sick, maybe ill try in a later chapter, there is no smut im sorry i cant write smut, there is vomiting and nose bleeds
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-02-28
Updated: 2016-05-30
Packaged: 2018-05-23 19:38:25
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 9,194
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6127891
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/charliescastiel/pseuds/charliescastiel
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Kylo is sick, Hux finds him and reluctantly takes care of him.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * For [droidfucker](https://archiveofourown.org/users/droidfucker/gifts).



> This turned into something completely different than what I expected, I don't know yet whether that's a good or a bad thing. It was supposed to be a one shot, but I now plan to add a few more parts to it. Please let me know what you think.
> 
> For Sam, my better half and my beta. 
> 
> Title from 'Coming Down' by Halsey.

Kylo hates being sick.

Mainly because he never knows what to do with himself since it so rarely happens.

He has spent the majority of the past two days curled up in bed, with the lights at zero percent. He hasn't even gotten up to eat, his stomach hurts too much for that, and he suspects he's severely dehydrated at this point. It could have been three days, he’s lost track at this point.

He knows he must look pathetic, he definitely feels it, but he’s so exhausted he can’t even care. He probably should have called for a doctor but he’d rather suffer in silence than be relentlessly prodded and examined by some medical droid.

No one has visited him, no one has even noticed he’s gone. At first this was surprising and unbelievable since he considered himself to be of vital importance to the daily functioning of the First Order, but as his fever got worse he started to doubt that he even mattered as anything at all. After all, he’s just a tool in Snoke’s arsenal. Now he’s simply a broken tool, apparently one that isn’t even worth fixing.

At least the physical pain is a refreshing distraction from the emotional turmoil of the last few years. He’s so preoccupied with dizziness and frequent bouts of vomiting that he has little time to think about how his life has fallen apart just as Starkiller Base did.

He has no clue what has caused the illness or what it is, only that the symptoms came on fast and haven’t relented in their intensity in over seventy two hours. He figures he caught it from the remote planet that served as the location for his last mission a few days prior. All he knew of the planet was what he had been told in the pre-departure briefing, and he was only half listening to that. Perhaps he was supposed to receive vaccinations.

He is unsure if anyone else that was on that mission has been taken ill since he hasn’t checked his comm in days, but he doesn’t really care. He supposes he should, since they have probably located the source of the illness and can probably cure it, but he’s just _so tired_. He briefly wonders if the lack of concern for his own life is a part of the illness, alarm bells are ringing quietly somewhere in his brain, telling him that something is wrong, this isn’t who he is, that he doesn’t have a death wish and he’s stronger than this. He falls into a restless sleep.

On the third day, he begins to hope this illness is fatal so he has an excuse to give up existing. He doesn’t question the source of the feeling this time.

-

Hux finds Ren in his quarters in the early evening after searching for him for what feels has been several hours. He kicks himself when he slides the door to his room aside and finds Ren sprawled across the bed, knowing this should have been the first place he looked.

Hux crosses the room to stand over Kylo's bed and resists the urge to roll his eyes at the scene.

“What are you doing?”

Hux gets no response, Kylo doesn't even twitch.

“Snoke wants to see you.” He tries instead, he gets a small groan this time, which he reluctantly counts as progress. Hux sighs loudly and sits on the side of Kylo's bed, he tries prodding him.

Again, nothing.

Hux tries a more forceful tactic and grabs Kylo's arm. Kylo lets Hux pull him upright until he’s sitting - though slouching would be a better word, given the way he rests almost his entire weight on Hux - which should be an alarming indictor in itself of how weak Kylo is right now, to let himself be manhandled this way.

Before Hux can think any more on it, Kylo doubles over in a violent coughing fit. Hux startles, unsure of what to do. He gently lowers his hand to rest on Kylo’s back as he waits for the worst of it to pass, finding his hand moving in slow, soothing circles without permission.

“Would you like some water?”

Kylo doesn’t respond. Hux clenches his jaw and tries not to get irritated, it’s difficult.

He stands anyway and crosses the room until he reaches Ren’s desk, where a jug of fresh water sits. He pours a glass and returns to Kylo, who has fallen back into a contorted and undoubtedly uncomfortable position somewhere between half-sitting and half-lying down since he no longer has Hux to lean on. Hux ignores the fleeting pang of fondness at the scene, buries it deep.

He hands the glass to Kylo more harshly than he meant to, tells himself that it’s because Ren is petulant and overdramatic and Hux has neither the patience nor time to put up with his shit. Kylo startles but takes the glass and gulps it down as if he hasn’t drank for a week. He spills most of the water down himself since he hadn’t bothered to sit up properly before drinking.

After Kylo has finished, he stares blankly with the glass in his hand, his eyes unfocused. Hux isn’t entirely sure if he’s even fully aware of his surroundings. Hux can feel himself growing impatient again and resists the urge to clap his hands loudly in front of Ren’s face, instead counting his breaths.

“When was the last time you got out of bed?” Hux asks, not really expecting an answer and so not surprised when he doesn’t get one. “You look like shit, I hope you know.”

Kylo glares at Hux hard, at least Hux knows Ren can hear him at least. Hux wants to laugh because even the harshest glare Ren could muster would still look hilarious when he’s laid like a discarded ragdoll. But he can’t, his concern is slowly growing with each moment that Ren doesn’t throw a callous insult his way and kick him out of the room. Hux really doesn’t like seeing Ren like this, but he doesn’t know why.

He takes the glass from his hands and sets it on the bedside table. Hux sits down next to Ren again, unconsciously delicately so as not to startle him, ignores the realisation and buries it along with every other Ren related feeling. Kylo has resumed his unfocused staring, Hux feels like he’s walking in circles.

At least Ren had the courtesy to stay in bed and not mope around _The Finalizer_ spreading whatever virus he had around to Hux’s troopers. Hux stopped moving then as it suddenly dawned on him that he was probably infected now as well. He considered running out of the room and leaving Ren to suffer alone but it was already too late. He cursed Ren under his breath, then himself for taking this long to even make the connection. He knows better than this.

“Why didn’t you call for a doctor?”

Kylo makes a sort of futile attempt to shrug, which at least is movement. Hux places his hand on Ren’s forehead, it’s boiling. Ren shivers at Hux’s cool touch, leans heavily into it for a moment. Hux lets him. He realises after a moment that Ren is actually shaking all over as if he’s freezing, even though his fever is high and he’s covered by a thick duvet. Hux’s brow furrows and his concern grows as he wonders if this is more than a simple virus.

“I’m going to call a doctor for you.”

“No.” Kylo says suddenly, insistently and like he’s almost afraid.

Hux raises his eyebrows in shock, both at the protest and because it’s the first words he’s manged to get out of Ren since he got here. He considers Ren, who begs Hux with his eyes not to call anyone. He considers asking why he’s so reluctant to seek medical attention, but doesn’t push for an explanation quite yet. Ren seems to relax at this.

A small part of Hux wants to leave now, mainly out of concern for his own safety since that he knows Ren is still alive and breathing, even if barely, but instead he finds himself moving closer, climbing underneath the duvet and shifting Ren into a more comfortable position until his head is on Hux’s chest. Ren has stilled but he doesn’t grapple to get away, in fact he leans into this touch in a more desperate way than when Hux’s hand was on his forehead, as if it’s consuming him. They stay like that for a while, Hux too scared to move or even breathe too deeply. Hux is certain that Ren has fallen asleep on his chest once his breathing evens out, there’s a deep wheeze in every breath though.

When ten minutes has gone by and Ren still shows no sign of consciousness, Hux relents his control and bring his hand up to stroke Ren’s cheek – to see if he’s cooled down, of course. Ren’s face is soft, which surprises Hux a little given his aggressive personality, then doesn’t surprise him at all.

He has seen Ren without his mask several times now, but he has never touched his face, or any of him now that he thinks about it, hasn’t even been close enough to try. He has still not managed to equate the Ren that strides around _The Finalizer_ looking like he can and will kill anyone who so much as looks at him wrong, with the angular, captivating and _young_ face that he knows hides beneath it.

He doesn’t know Ren that well, not really, - most of the stuff he thinks he knows he made up in his head as a way to explain away his reckless behaviour and satisfy his brains unyielding need to think about him – but he thinks the ridiculous bucket he wears on his head and the façade that accompanies it verses the man that is actually beneath it is somewhat of a painfully ironic metaphor for Ren in general.

The first time Hux saw Ren without his mask was an accident, and Ren was not at all pleased about it. Again it had been an occasion where Ren was driving Hux up the wall with his inability to do anything or be anywhere that he’s supposed to be at any one time. Snoke had summoned them both, but Ren hadn’t answered his comm (which wasn’t unusual), so Hux had resorted to scouring the ship himself. It took almost an hour but he finally found Ren in one of the most deserted parts of the ship, stood on a half destroyed balcony that looked like it could break away at any moment.

Ren was staring out into space (again this wasn’t unusual, but most of the time it wasn’t literal space and it was during board meetings he was forced to attend with Hux; trying to get him to pay attention never mind contribute anything useful was practically impossible), unmoving as if he had all the time in the world to stand and think about the complexities of life; he didn’t, Snoke was incredibly impatient. He had his back to Hux so he didn’t immediately notice his mask that was resting by his feet since he still had his hood up. It was only when Kylo turned his head minutely in Hux’s direction that he caught the pale tones of his cheek that contrasted so harshly with his otherwise completely black attire. Ren had sensed his presence, it always unnerved Hux how he was able to do that.

“Who gave you permission to come out here?”

Hux was so taken aback by the sound of Ren’s voice without the voice manipulator that he didn’t answer until Ren repeated the question, more harshly this time.

“Supreme Leader Snoke has requested our counsel immediately. Well, it was immediately an hour ago, so hurry up.”

Ren turned to Hux fully then and he failed to prevent the small intake of breath at the sight of him. He began to panic when he realised his gasp might not be completely to do with Ren’s unmasked face but also due to the invisible grip around his throat that only got tighter the longer he stared at Ren.

He had seen Ren do this to people in the past, choking them with the force until they pass out. He had always wondered what it would feel like, now he knows he’s not eager to experience it again. He hopes Ren will stop before he passes out, tries to voice this but can’t speak, his vision is going dark. Oh.

“Don’t you _ever_ tell me what to do.” Ren spits, taking two large steps towards Hux and raising his hand higher in the air as he tightens his grip around Hux’s neck.

If his eyes weren’t already so wide from shock and lack of oxygen, Hux thinks he might have actually shown a little bit of fear as Ren approached. He wouldn’t deny that Ren is certainly intimidating - even without the mask - he exudes power, it’s palpable from thirty feet away. As soon as he enters a room the atmosphere changes, everyone stands straight, breathes shallower, as if the smallest inclination of life would attract his destructive attention.

But Hux was never afraid of Ren, has despised him ever since the first day they met, his arrogance and childishness coupled with his natural power and authority that he didn’t work himself half to death to earn, Hux despised him. But he never feared him, not until now.

Ren close the gap between them with two more large steps and now Hux could see Ren clearly, for the first time. The sight was almost enough to distract his brain from the immense pain that came with strangulation.

Something must change in Hux’s eyes because Ren’s face changes and he relents his grip. Hux falls to the ground, choking whilst Ren stands there unmoving. He briefly wishes that Ren would apologize or ask him if he’s okay, knows it’s impossible and that he’d probably yell at him to get away from him even if he did.

Once Hux is able to breathe somewhat properly again he stands, he’s a little shaky and hopes Ren won’t notice, knows he already has. They stare at each other, Ren looking as if he has nothing to say and has no idea why Hux is even here, Hux too afraid that if he tries to talk it will just result in painful, silent rasps and Ren will laugh wickedly at him.

Ren picks up his mask and starts towards Hux who instinctively stiffens in fear. Ren’s face twitches into a smirk as he strides past, his robe brushing against Hux’s leg. He hears the sound of the mask being clipped into place from where he is stuck, his back to Ren now.

“Are you coming, General?” Ren asks.

Hux shivers visibly at the cold, metal tone of Ren’s voice through the modulator. He has to decide whether to use his damaged vocal chords to respond or face Ren with that damn mask on. He opts for the latter, turning on his heel and nodding firmly. He can no longer see Ren’s expression, but he can _imagine_ it, and he imagines – no, he knows - that underneath that ridiculous bucket, Ren is grinning viciously at the fear he sees in Hux’s eyes, his stiff posture, his silence. He hates him.

That wasn’t even a year ago, but the emotions that accompany the memory are almost unrecognisable. He hated Ren so much that day, and for a long time afterwards, but as he looks down at him now, he doesn’t feel any of that, not really. Ren is frustrating and petulant and the reason behind most of Hux’s stress related breakdowns, but he no longer despises him. He hasn’t been able to pin the change of opinion to one single event yet, but he knows that by the day he found Ren lying alone in the snow, he was already too far gone.

He hopes that Ren knows nothing of this, knows it futile to believe it when Ren reads his mind without permission on a frequent basis. He’s thankful but troubled that Ren has mentioned nothing of it, despite the probability that he knows intimately the way Hux feels about him. It gives Ren the upper hand and Hux hates him for it, wishes he’d say or _do_ something, even if it was simply to tear him down. Rejection would be better than this limbo. Perhaps that’s why Ren won’t do anything, because he knows how much it bothers Hux that he feigns ignorance.

Back in the present he looks down to Ren now, cards his fingers softly through his hair; partly because he wants to know if it’s as soft as it feels (it is) and partly so he can move his hair out of his face and appreciate it whilst Ren is unknowing.

Ren’s face has changed so much due to the events of the last few months; he seems paler, more ghastly almost, there are large circles under his eyes that do not dissipate even as he sleeps. Hux runs a finger softly down the scar that runs across his nose and cheek, still an angry red but mostly healed now. That’s the biggest difference.

It didn’t just change him on the outside, it changed him on a fundamentally deep level that Hux doesn’t understand, doubts that Ren even realises. Ren still won’t tell him what happened that day in the woods, when he found him half-dead, crumpled on the floor like a black anomaly in a sea of white. His blood stained the purity of the snow, it seemed to be everywhere, Hux would never admit it, but the sight of Kylo beaten and destroyed induced more fear in Hux than the imminent implosion of Starkiller Base.

He ran to Ren and fell to his knees next to him, shaking his shoulders roughly, praying he wasn’t already gone. He found a weak pulse and screamed into his comm for backup. He had never lost control like this before, he always gave his orders with enunciated precision and calculated syntax for maximum impact. Yet here he found himself unable to stop shouting desperately for the nearest ship to rescue them. He spoke with such intensity as if Ren’s safety was the most important thing in the galaxy, as if the entire planet wasn’t collapsing in on itself. He told himself it was purely professional concern, that Snoke would be furious if he didn’t return Ren to him, but he knew that was a lie. He knew his sweating palms, racing heart and rapid breathing stemmed from a very personal fear of _losing_ Ren.

A ship arrived moments later, Hux gathered the unconscious Ren in his arms; not trusting anyone else to be able to handle him with the care and tenderness that he needed. He placed him on the bed inside the ship and knelt by his side, his eyes never leaving his face, even as he screamed at the Stormtroopers to get the hell out of there, tacking on a harsh reprimand for taking so long. He couldn’t begin to process why he was reacting this way about _Ren_ of all people, since the overwhelming about of blood Ren was losing was muddling all his thoughts.

The ship jolted upwards just in time to speed away from the imploding planet. He felt the power of the collapse propel their ship forward violently before they had even reached light speed. Hux thought he should look watch from the viewport as Starkiller Base turned to dust and rock, as if he needed to see it to clarify that it was real, but he couldn’t look away from Ren. Starkiller Base didn’t matter right now, all the men he had lost didn’t matter, all the years of training and preparing and building an army with a weapon over four times the size of anything the Death Star obliterated by the Resistance didn’t matter right now because he could lose Ren.

Back in the present, Ren nuzzles his face into Hux’s chest, bringing Hux out of his memories. Hux’s hand stills in Ren’s hair where he hadn’t realised he’d been involuntarily stroking through it as if it was the most natural action in the world. He hopes Ren isn’t awake enough to realise what’s going on, has already sensed he has.

Hux tries to remove his hand from Ren’s hair as subtly as possible, but Ren’s hand shoot up to stop him, keeping it there. Neither of them say anything when Ren’s fingers begin to interlace with Hux’s, loose at first but gripping tighter when Hux makes no protest. Hux’s mind is racing. Ren’s hands are cold but sweating, despite that it’s not entirely uncomfortable.

Hux feels a faint pressure in his head, knows the sensation enough to know that Ren is trying to get inside his head. Hux has either got better at keeping him out, or Ren is too sick to succeed, either way, it earns a frustrated huff from Ren and a chuckle from Hux.

They remain like this until suddenly the atmosphere changes and Ren bolts from the bed faster than Hux knew was possible for a man to move and makes it to the bathroom in just in time to throw up. Or attempt to, at least. He hasn’t eaten in days so he has nothing to throw up, but this isn’t the first time this has happened and Kylo rests his head against the toilet in defeated resignation.

Ren goes silent after a few minutes and Hux hesitantly walks and leans against the bathroom doorframe. Ren is so still that Hux thinks he might have fallen asleep until his body convulses in a way that is obviously against his control and he gags violently again.

Hux winces and has no clue what to do, knows if he were Ren right now – which he probably will be in a matter of hours – that the last thing he would want is to be coddled. He watches Ren for further movement, but when Ren flops to the floor, pressing his head against the cold tile, Hux goes to call for a doctor, no matter how much Ren doesn’t want one.

He runs his hands through his hair against his better judgement and presses the button on the comm on his wrist to request a medical droid.

_Don’t. Please._

It’s Ren. Hux startles and turns on his heel so he can see Ren, who is still sprawled across the floor, his eyes half open only to watch Hux in the dim light. Hux sighs but closes the comm communication.

 “Why won’t you accept help? You need medical attention.” Hux says, he’s frustrated, doesn’t understand.

_Can’t._

Ren doesn’t seem to be able to manage anything more than that.

“Help me understand.” Hux tries. “You didn’t have any issue with the doctors after what happened on Starkiller.”

 _Different_.

Ren blinks up at him.

“How was that different?”

_No choice._

“What makes you think you have a choice now?”

Ren throws him a look that’s probably supposed to be threatening, but doesn’t manage to be at all. Hux scoffs a laugh.

“Ren, you’ve contracted god knows what illness from god knows who on god knows what planet. You need to get checked out.”

Ren closes his eyes, Hux assumes his resorted to ignoring him in an attempt to get his own way.

_I don’t want them to touch me._

This thought from Ren is so quiet and hesitant that Hux doesn’t even believe it’s from him at first. Hux watches Ren who still has his face pressed against the tile, eyes closed.

“Who?”

_Anyone._

Hux furrows his brow, his response on the tip of his tongue. He wants to say it aloud, can’t bring himself to. He lets his walls down and tries to project his thoughts, not even knowing if that’s possible, hopes Ren hears him.

_You let me touch you._

Ren opens his eyes, he’s staring at Hux with such blind openness that Hux momentarily forgets to breathe. Ren tilts his head then, curiously.

_You’re different._

Hux audibly scoffs at this.

_You are._

“The fever has gone to your head.” Hux says, eager to change the subject. Ren rolls his eyes but stays silent. “Get up off the floor, you look ridiculous.” Hux adds sharply when he sees Ren smirking.

Much to Hux’s surprise, Ren manages to pull himself up until he’s standing, and Hux feels some indescribable emotion at watching Ren do as he is told.

“Go and lie down on the bed, I will fetch you more water.” He says confidently and tries to identify that overwhelming feeling again as his eyes follow Ren as he stumbles across the room towards the bed. He’s still smirking like he knows something that Hux doesn’t, but Hux puts his instinctive irritation about this aside for the moment. “Why don’t you want anyone to touch you?” He asks once Ren is led down.

“That’s a very personal question, General.” Ren’s voice is raspy and weak, no wonder he had barely said a word since Hux had arrived. Ren attempts to clears his throat, it turns into another coughing fit. Hux rushes over with water and feels ridiculous that he can’t offer more than that because Ren is too pernickety to let him help. Ren breathing heavily, his eyes bloodshot and cheeks sunken. He coughs into his hand then closes it into a fist, tightly but Hux has already seen.

“Ren, what is that?” Hux asks with an exterior of calm and the slightest shake underneath.

 _Nothing_. He’s back to communicating through the force but even his inner voice sounds weak and exhausted.

“It’s pointless to lie to me.” Hux protests, grabbing Ren’s fist and pulling his fingers open. When they fall apart easily it’s another moment where Hux realises how wrong this scene is. Ren is immensely powerful, he could tear him apart with no more than a click of his fingers, but he isn’t, or he _can’t_ and Hux doesn’t like this. When he looks down and finds drying blood on his palm, Hux likes that even less. “God damn it Ren.”

 _It’s nothing_. Ren says more forcefully with an accompanying feeling of tightness in Hux’s head. Ren pulls his hand away roughly and keeps it close to his chest.

“Like hell.” Hux protests, searching Ren’s eyes until they finally meet his.

He attempts to find some sense there but there is none, he holds the gaze anyway. Ren’s eyes are dark, darker than usual and his pupils blown out. Probably because the lights are at zero percent, maybe not. Ren’s gaze doesn’t falter, despite the fact he looks as if he could pass out any moment, this gives Hux a sliver of relief. Blood begins to trickle from Ren’s nose, slowly at first then at an overwhelming rate. Hux catches it only when Ren’s eyes become glazed over and he actually does collapse half onto Hux.  

Hux regulates his breathing and tries not to panic, he reaches for his comm and immediately calls for help. After he’s received confirmation that a medical team is on standby, he gathers Ren into his arms, making sure to keep his head upright and against his neck, not caring about how his uniform is now completely irreparable, and carries him as fast as reasonably possible to the infirmary. He doesn’t give a shit how Ren feels about doctors when he’s rapidly soaking Hux’s uniform in his blood (again) and trying to leave him alone in this miserable life without even apologizing for it.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've had this almost finished for a long while, but I couldn't tie up the last few sections. If you're a fan of my work then I'm so sorry, I have so much ambition but no motivation. I have so much unfinished work sitting on my computer, but I can't bring myself to write most of the time. Depression sucks.   
> Anyway, I hope you enjoy this part, there will be more.   
> This is unbeta'd so there will probably be a lot of mistakes.   
> I love everyone who has taken an interest and read this fic.

Hux arrives at the infirmary leaving a trail of Ren’s blood in his wake. Stormtroopers stop and stare at them as he hurries by, turning away quickly once Hux sends a cold, threatening glare in their direction. He wonders if they even know that it’s Ren in his arms, since he never walks around in public without his mask on. He wonders how many other people have seen his face. Probably quite a lot of the doctors given his lengthy stay in the infirmary for his injuries sustained on Starkiller Base a few months ago, though after he’d woken up properly he had insisted on being treated only by droids. Hux had brushed it off at the time as typical Ren behaviour, which it still is, but his unease around medical staff seemed to be rooted in a more sincere and serious reason than simply to inconvenience everyone around him.

He looks down at Ren, still unconscious, his head lolling against Hux’s chest and his nose still dripping blood. Hux hopes he won’t wake up before they reach the medical bay, also hopes he doesn’t die either. He feels his face twitch and focuses on getting his emotions under control by concentrating solely on the task at hand; getting Ren medical help.

Hux saves a few minutes by taking a shortcut down a corridor that is thankfully deserted at this time of night. He strides into the infirmary straight past the reception and heads straight to one of the private rooms to the side. He doesn’t bother calling for help since it’s pretty obvious that he needs it and he’s gathered the attention of the receptionist who is still trailing him and shouting ‘you can’t just waltz in here’ and ‘where are you going?’ with increasing distress. He assumes she has either forgotten or is unaware that he is a general and cannot be spoken to that way but lets it slide for now. She stands in the doorway and watches as Hux places Ren gently on the bed. His eyes don’t leave Ren but he feels her linger and it takes longer than he hoped for her to get the hint.

“Why are you still here? Get me your best doctor.” When she still doesn’t move, Hux snaps. “Now.”

She finally scurries off and Hux hears her calling for a doctor in the distance, which brings Hux little relief at the moment. Hux gets up to close the door and all the blinds and quickly returns to Ren’s side. He worries his lip as he waits, Ren still unconscious and bleeding. This is bad, this is extremely bad his nose shouldn’t still be bleeding like this, he shouldn’t still be unconscious. He takes a deep breath and tries to rationalise his thoughts but that simply makes it worse. He has no idea what is wrong with Ren, it could be fatal and incurable, this thought sends Hux into a small panic. A wave of anger rushes through him, directed at Ren and his stupidity. He should have requested help the moment he felt ill, instead he’s slowly killing himself. Hux cannot understand it. He resists the urge to punch something.

He refocuses his emotions into concern and anticipation by observing what he knows. The doctor is still not here. Ren is still bleeding. His hair is covering the side of his face which bears the scar and is now merging with the blood. Hux desperately wants to do something but fears making it worse. He reminds himself that he has brought Ren here, that he has taken positive steps in saving Ren. He reaches up to push Ren’s hair away from his face, stroking his cheek lightly. Some of the blood has already dried in his hair, Hux thinks- Hux knows Ren will be pissed about getting blood in his hair if- when he wakes up. Hux draws his hand softly down Ren’s jaw, his other hand coming up to tangle loosely with Ren’s where it lies lifelessly on his chest. Hux squeezes tightly, Ren does not squeeze back.

The doctor takes longer than he had hoped to show up, to the point where Hux’s calm exterior is cracking rapidly and he’s almost about to stand up and find someone himself when a tall brunette woman appears in the doorway looking confused. As her eyes register Hux and then Ren her confusion turns to embarrassment with a hint of fear and her body tenses as she turns back to the receptionist who is cowering behind her.

“Why didn’t you tell me General Hux required my services?” She whispers furiously.

“I-  I-“ She stutters.

The doctor breathes out heavily through her nose and turns to Hux. “My sincerest apologies, General. She is new-“

Hux cuts her off with a wave of his hand. “I do not care right now. You are the most qualified doctor on this ship, yes?”

“Yes, sir.”

“Excellent. Fix him.” Hux demands.

The doctor startles, glancing from Hux to Ren and back again. “Yes, sir.” She says and crosses the room in confident strides until she’s reached Ren. Hux watches her intensely as she examines Ren, if she feels the pressure of his gaze, she doesn’t flinch. Hux is pleased by this.

The doctor checks his pulse and his pupil response then calls for assistance on her comm in a hushed whisper, Hux doesn’t catch all of what she said but there was a desperation to her tone that makes his stomach twist. Moments later two medical droids appear in the doorway carrying a tray of equipment.

One of the droids turns to Hux and says, “General, we must clear the space now.”

Hux stands straighter. “I’m staying here.”

“I’m sorry sir, but you have to leave.”

“Absolutely not.” Hux stares at the droid as if it is capable of feeling intimidated. To his pleasure, the droid does take a half step back.

“I understand your concern, General, but this is protocol.” The doctor insists.

“No, I’m afraid you don’t. I have strict orders from the Supreme Leader not to leave this man’s side until he has recovered.” The lie falls so easily from his lips that the staff swallow it immediately and turn back to work on Ren with no further issues about Hux’s looming presence. Hux is an excellent liar, a skill he developed early in life before he even joined the academy.

Hux watches intensely as the doctors work on Ren. He wants to ask them what they are doing every time they mutter some medical jargon to one another but he manages to hold his tongue. They administer several types of drug and hook him up to a number of machines that monitor all sorts of stats. Hux finds that his chest is beginning to feel tight, he isn’t breathing properly. He braces himself against the nearest wall and counts his breaths. It works for a while until he catches the panicked exchanged between two doctors and a sudden rush or morbid urgency that fills the room.

Three more droids enter with a bizarre amount of equipment and almost knock Hux off his feet. He would tear them to pieces out of sheer fury if he wasn’t frozen on the spot. Ren isn’t breathing. His face is translucent. He doesn’t look peaceful like he did when he fell asleep in Hux’s lap earlier, he looks pained and broken. Hux feels sick.

He’s approaching Ren’s bedside, his feet are moving themselves. He’s being accosted by nurses now but he can’t hear what they are saying. All he can see is Ren and he still isn’t breathing. They are pushing him now, hard enough that he takes a few steps back. He can’t feel them though, he can only hear the sound of the flat line as Ren’s heart refuses to beat.

Ren is getting further away now but Hux isn’t moving. Except he is, he is being pulled away by a droid with five times the strength Hux has, and Hux is strong. He tries to fight against it though it’s futile. He hears someone shouting but he doesn’t know what they are staying. He realises he is the one who is shouting. He looks down at his hands as they scratch at the droid but leave no damage.

Hux berates himself for not searching for Ren sooner. For assuming that he was simply having a tantrum and choosing to stay out of his way until it passed. It wasn’t an unusual occurrence for Ren to disappear for a day or two if he was meditating or training or recovering for a large fight, but he always checked in on Hux’s thoughts throughout the day even then to check how the Order was running. At least that’s was Hux told himself Ren was doing when he felt that familiar pressure against his skull.

But Hux had only radio silence for the past three days, and it made him more nauseous that he cared to admit. At first he was delighted to finally be alone in his own head, but that gradually turned into an aching loneliness. That loneliness grew into concern; initially for his actually missing Ren’s presence at all and eventually into an overwhelming fear for Ren’s wellbeing.

He basically abandoned all duties as the anxiety became to consuming to function, unable to focus on anything except finding Ren and ensuring his safety, if only so he could resume work. The longer he searched the more frantic he became, looking in the most implausible and bizarre places and growing frustrated with his lack of success.

The Supreme Leader will be furious with Hux if Ren dies. He will destroy Hux; mentally and physically. He can’t let that happen, he’s worked too hard for it all to be torn down because Ren got a fucking cold. That’s what it was, a simple virus. Ren was throwing a three day long pity party in his room because his nose was stuffy and he couldn’t stop coughing. It was fittingly overdramatic but not life threatening. Ren was supposed to die an honourable death, in battle or for the good of the Order, not this way. He can’t die this way.

Trust Ren to be the only person who can still be such an asshole even in death. An asshole for dying, an asshole for leaving him to face Snoke alone, for leaving him alone, for leaving him before Hux could… he can’t finish that thought. Hux chokes out a pained sob. He can’t die, the First Order still needs him, Snoke still needs him, _Hux_ still needs him, if for no other reason than his own longing.

Hux closes his eyes, breathes heavily and lets his selfish desires consume him.

-

Ren wakes with a splitting headache and an uncomfortable feeling of waking up in unusual and unwelcome surroundings after not remembering how he got there. He stiffens as he tries to recall the events preceding this but his mind is too foggy. This isn’t right. He looks down himself, he’s not wearing the same clothes he was last night. He notices the drip attached to his arm and begins to panic. Using the force he rips it out of his arm along with the one on his face and scrambles to get up.

That is when he notices Hux. Hux is asleep in an extremely uncomfortable looking chair by his bedside. His head in leaning forwards onto Ren’s bed, his hair is mussed like he’s ran his hands through it way too many times and his arm is stretched towards Ren as if he was holding his hand at some point during the night.

Hux begins to stir at Kylo’s panic and under other circumstances Kylo might think a sleep disorientated Hux is kind of adorable. Ren suddenly feels a wave of anger course through him when he realises Hux brought him to the infirmary despite Ren repeatedly begging him not to. He squashes down the urge to strangle Hux, he feels far too weak for that and instead ceases movement to out all his effort into giving Hux the coldest glare he can manage, which is considerable cold.

Hux lifts his head and when his eyes land on Ren’s his face crosses a variety of expressions – surprise, happiness, anger, concern - before settling on relief. Ren feels a sliver of his rage fade at just how damn _relieved_ Hux looks to see him awake, even though it’s obvious his trying to destroy him with his mind. Hux also looks very, very tired; as if he’s been awake for three nights in a row because of stress. It’s not out of the realm of possibility.

Ren can feel Hux’s emotions coming off him in bright waves and he’s struggling not to let the strength of the consume him. He takes a breath and reminds himself that he is furious with Hux right now. Hux seems to know this but either doesn’t care or isn’t afraid, he watches Ren silently, waiting for him to speak.

Ren searches for what he wants to say, he settles on “you had no right.”

Hux tries to keep the disbelief from his face, he fails. He also fails to keep the broken emotion from his voice. “You almost died, Ren.”

“Oh don’t be so overdramatic.” Ren rolls his eyes.

“Sure, I’m the over dramatic one.” Hux’s lip curls into something like a smirk which angers Ren more. “After you passed out from the blood loss I brought you here so they could help you.”

“I didn’t need you to save me, I don’t want your help.” Ren clenches his jaw tightly and looks anywhere but at Hux.

“Oh please, Ren, you were haemorrhaging and bleeding internally in three places, it’s a miracle you are alive. Which you are welcome for, by the way.”

“If you’re expecting a thank you, don’t hold your breath.”

 “I’m glad to see the illness didn’t destroy your petulant and ungrateful attitude.”

“Fuck you, General.” Ren spits.

“You would be so lucky.” Hux teases and the playful nature of his response flusters Ren which makes Hux honest to god chuckle. When Ren only pouts, Hux continues, “Perhaps I should have just left you to die.” The words don’t hurt Ren, because he _knows_ Hux doesn’t mean it, not at all. He is angry and frustrated but more at Ren’s lack of ability to care about himself than actually wishing him dead. Ren doesn’t bother to call him out on it.

Ren huffs and looks around the room. “Can I leave now?”

“No, they want to keep you in for observation. They still don’t know what is caused your illness, or what it even is. We were hoping you could clarify a few things.”

“I don’t know anything.”  Ren shrugs, Hux glares at him. “I don’t. One moment I was fine and the next I blacked out. It came on suddenly and it was incapacitating.”

Hux observes Ren. “Well, you are stable for now, but you have been unconscious for three days-“

Ren cuts him off, sitting up slightly. “Three days?”

Hux thinks Ren might finally begin to take this seriously. “Yes, three days. You were placed in a medically induced coma until they could stop the bleeding.”

Ren doesn’t seem as concerned about discovering he had to be put in a coma to avoid dying and as a result lost three days of time, he simply nods as if Hux just gave him a status report on the development of _The Finalizer’s_ hyper drive. Instead, Ren tilts his head curiously as if he can see into Hux’s soul - perhaps he can, he can read his thoughts effortlessly enough - and asks “have you left my side in that time?”

Hux opens and closes his mouth, tilts his chin up. “The galaxy doesn’t revolve around you, Ren, as much as you might think it does.” He’s deflecting. Ren knows this tactic well, it is what Hux does when he feels his power is threatened to try and regain the upper hand by appearing dismissive and superior.

Ren scans his thoughts briefly, finds the conformation he was looking for. Several droids and even doctors have tried to get him to leave but he adamantly refused, stating that he had strict orders from Supreme Leader Snoke to watch over Ren at all times. This fooled the staff easily enough, but Ren knows it is bullshit. Snoke doesn’t care enough for him anymore to allocate the General as his full time guardian. Ren debates whether to call Hux’s bluff and ultimately decides he’s too weak and Hux is too exhausted to start a fight right now, as appealing as the idea of winding Hux up is.

“You should get some rest, you look like shit.” Ren says with a soft sincerity he can’t disguise. The knowledge that Hux sacrificed sleeping, eating and working to watch over Ren at all times stirs something deep within him. At a time when he has felt completely alone, abandoned, broken and useless, Hux is there like a bright and fierce light encouraging him to stay strong when no one else even noticed he needed the support.

“Not as shit as you do.” He’s deflecting again.

“Well according to you I’m being well looked after. So there is no need for you to stay.” Ren insists.

Hux takes a deep breath, he won’t meet Ren’s eye and for a moment Ren thinks he might tell him the real reason he won’t leave. Ren senses the moment he backs out and tells himself he shouldn’t be as disappointed as he feels.

“If that is what you want.” Hux sighs.

Ren is confused by this, Hux does not act according to Ren’s desires. “Since when does it matter what I want?” Ren stares at Hux who offers no attempt to respond. “And I don’t, anyway.”

“Don’t what?”

“Want you to leave.” Ren mutters.

“Then why do you keep insisting I do?” Hux presses.

“Because you _should_. I can feel your exhaustion coming off you in waves. You don’t need to run yourself into the ground for me.”

Hux scoffs. “I know my limitations, Ren.”

Sensing they were going in circles and knowing that Hux is too stubborn to relent, Ren decides to drop the subject for now. “Is there anything to eat around here?”

Hux seems grateful for the change. “I was wondering when you’d ask that. I can have something brought to you from the kitchens, if you like.”

“Yes, make sure it is something of quality though, okay?”

“Of course.” Hux rolls his eyes and stands, leaving the room.

He can feel Hux’s anxiety even after he’s turned the corner in the hallway to locate the nearest staff member who can bring him food, as if he is scared to leave Ren for even a moment. Ren huffs, wonders if Hux thinks he’s simply incapable of keeping himself alive for a few unsupervised moments or whether something traumatising happened to him within the past three days that has the General so on edge.

Hux returns a couple of moments later, his entire posture relaxing once he sees Ren still alive and breathing. Ren considers mocking him for his concern to lighten the mood since seeing Hux so worked up about his wellbeing is confusing and uncomfortable for him. He decides against it, knowing it would only make Hux angry and overly defensive.

They sit in a slightly tense silence until the food arrives but for once it is not charged with rage. Both of them are unwillingly to divulge their true feelings but don’t want to partake in insincere small talk either. Hux stands by the window that looks out at the endless black of space as Ren eats. _The_ _Finalizer_ is currently idling near a large inhabited planet as they regroup and restock before heading off to one of the Outer Rim systems to enlist Stormtroopers after the destruction of Starkiller Base colossally depleted their fleet.

The locals on the surface are sympathetic to the Order, or have been traumatised into submitting their allegiance. Hux hasn’t been on planet since Starkiller imploded, mainly because _The Finalizer_ is now acting as the First Order’s temporary headquarters, but also because he can’t shake the niggling feeling in the back of his head that is afraid that if he sets foot on a surface it would once again collapse beneath his feet and this time it might swallow him whole. He tells himself it’s because he’s spent more of his life on Star Destroyers than solid ground and not because he’s afraid of dying.

Whilst Hux is silent, looking out of the window instead of glared at Ren as if he can see into him, Ren takes the opportunity to briefly skim Hux’s thoughts in the hopes of gaining some information about his condition over the past few days. He is surprised by what he actually finds.

On the surface Hux is running through strategies and schedules and other boring General duties, Ren suppresses a scoff at how predictably Hux it is. Underneath this automatic calculation of information Ren senses something more _emotional_.

Hux is attempting to calm himself by running numbers and statistics through his head – it’s effective to a point except now he’s distracted by memories of when he did this as a teenager at the academy in order to cope with the immense pressure of his father’s regime. Ren watches Hux’s expression with a renewed intensity but he gives nothing away, looking only dismissive and mildly unimpressed.

His thoughts shift, a complicated web of memories and their attached emotions that leaves Ren feeling breathless and disorientated, unable to understand or predict the sharp turns his thoughts take. Ren feels the anger leave Hux in waves at the thought of his father, it quickly turns to melancholy and dips into numbness as he remembers hearing of his death the day after he was promoted to General, as if his success had literally killed his father. Enough. Hux chastises himself harshly for letting his thoughts stray to his father, it seems the harder he works to keep those thoughts out, the more aggressively they persist.

He starts running numbers again, concentrating hard on thinking of nothing else. He seems to be calculating costs of how much damage Ren has caused in the last quarter, laughs as he briefly considers adding the cost of Starkiller’s destruction to Ren’s tab they he keeps in his head. It was mainly Ren’s fault after all. He wonders how badly it will affect them given they need to construct an entirely new base as well which involves researching unknown planets, on planet recon, schematic draw ups, material gathering, construction, replacing all the staff lost on Starkiller… Ren tunes him out. It’s an intolerable spiral and he fears if he doesn’t leave his head he will get dragged into the abyss with him.

Ren wonders if Hux always thinks this much. It’s exhausting being in his head, and he’s only a backseat driver. Yet despite this, he can’t stay out for long, so he digs deeper, past the superficial number crunching and to the core of what Hux is thinking about. Ren suspects Hux might be working very hard to try and keep him out, throw him off course.

Then it happens. Hux is back to thinking about the man lying to his right, whose food is long abandoned in favour of more intriguing pursuits. Hux is still lost in his head, replaying the past few days over and over, trying to rationalise it into an event he must report on consisting of facts and objectives achieved. He’s pushing down the raw emotion he feels when he remembers how it felt to see Ren arresting. To see Ren dying. To see his heart stop completely. To see the droids work for sixteen minutes and eighteen seconds before his heart began to beat again. Ren was so cold. So translucent. Hux knows this because he reached out to grab his hand as if the touch would spark enough electricity to bring him back. It didn’t work and he was pulled away, helpless.

Hux has unconsciously stopped breathing as the memory overwhelms him. Ren feels his distress like a stab in the gut. He stopped breathing then as well, had to count the seconds in his head like when he used to have panic attacks as a child, too afraid to blink.

Hux didn’t mention this.

Ren attempts to send subtle calming waves in Hux’s direction, not powerful enough to alert him of his prying, but just strong enough to slow his heart rate and encourage him to take enough air into his lungs. Hux glances sideways at Ren, who works harder on his subtlety. Hux sends appreciative feedback.

“Are you not going to eat anything?” Ren asks as he pulls apart a piece of bread.

Hux doesn’t turn from the window as he answers. “No.”

“That’s ill advised.”

“Thanks for your opinion, Ren.” He says dismissively.

Ren puts down the half eaten piece of bread and crosses his arms. “I’m not eating unless you do.”

Hux turns to Ren in bewilderment, “are you a child?”

Ren shrugs. “Nutrition is necessary to survive, especially if you’re a high ranking official.”

“I am fine.” Hux rolls his eyes and turns back to the window.

“I’ll use the force.” Ren threatens, but in his state, it’s laughable.

“Oh please. You can’t make me do anything.” Hux huffs.

Ren crinkles his nose in anger, draws his eyebrows together. “Don’t test me.”

Hux rolls his eyes and turns back to the window. “Just eat your food, Ren.”

Ren pouts, he hates being told what to do, especially by Hux. He pushes his tray aside and crosses his arms. The silence goes on. The only sound in the room is the faint buzzing of the various machines that Ren is hooked up to. Ren hates those sounds.

“Why didn’t you tell me?” Ren asks. His deep voice pierces through the silence and rings uncomfortably in Hux’s ears.

“Tell you what?” He replies, still staring into the void of space.

“That I died.”

Hux clenches his jaw tight. Ren doesn’t need to be in his mind to know that he’s panicking, attempting to force himself to calm down. He shrugs but it’s too stiff to be casual. “The doctors advised against it. Thought it would cause you undue stress.”

“Bullshit.”

Hux breathes out a huff through his nose and finally turns to face Ren. His fists are clenched at his sides. “I didn’t want to have this conversation with you. You died, but we got you back and now you’re recovering so what is the point in dwelling on it?”

Ren raises his eyebrows. Something in the set of Hux’s jaw makes him want to push the subject further, but simultaneously to leave it alone. Hux stares at him, as if challenging him to go on, but suddenly Ren feels so very tired, so he turns his face away and closes his eyes instead.

He hears Hux’s measured footsteps cross the room until they reach his bed. “Are you done with this?”

Ren makes a noise that he hopes conveys the affirmative. It must, because Hux takes the tray outside to the nearest droid. He doesn’t come back.


End file.
